Aphrase in the airwaves got stuck in my mind
Repeating itself in an endless loop
‘Soaking in shame…’
I know that feeling. I feel the same.
A sea sponge anchored to grief
Submerged
Shame percolating my pores.
The regretful shame of the woman I wasn’t
The indecisive shame of the woman I was
The desires I had to erase
The insecurities I birthed
The failed mutations I went through for others’ expectations
The rigid attributes that define me, that I wouldn’t give up.
I feel like I am one with the Sea
Of my own sorrow.
I lie there, letting shame saturate me
I feel like am holding the Sea inside of me.
Until grief helpfully grips my heart in a vise
Squeezing it real tight to force the Sea out
My tears come tumbling and they flow on…
I am emptied, I am lighter
I am ready again for the absorption to continue
Lesser each time, the shame, and the tears.
For, what I think of, now, as the sea
Is only a petri dish of my own making
The water will run out eventually
A phrase in the airwaves got stuck in my mind
Repeating itself in an endless loop
‘Just hits different…’
I know the feeling. I feel the same.
All that I feared, a life devoid… When it became my reality
It just hit me differently
Emptiness, I suspected, is real
Loneliness, I felt, is real
Abandonment, I imagined, is real
The only difference is in the dosage
I lived all of this in parts before it all engulfed me whole
I feel like I was left behind Empty
But, for my own sorrow
I stand idly, letting my days consume me
The changes feel overwhelming, the absence feels weird
The independence feels jarring
Until realization helpfully dawns in my soul
The fears were the disease I got exposed to.
I was being inoculated, padded for the shocks that followed
To help me deal with the reality right now…
I am coping, I am breathing
I am ready again for the life to move on
Lesser each time, the jolts, and the fears.
For, what I think of, now, as vacuum
Is only a prison of my own making
The mind will break out eventually.
